Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.