Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?