Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Well, this certainly took a turn
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast