Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
nature’s most graceful animal
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.