Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
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just witnessed a drug deal
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Truth
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?