Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.