Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
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if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
the three genders
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.