SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
What
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Beauty and the Beast
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!