I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search