“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Thrilling chase underway
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.