[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp