[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?