Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend