My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
What the dentist sees
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!