*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird