Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Matt Goss
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Sign at work today
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside