Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
bury ourselves
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG