SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*