Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I can fix him.