Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.