[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
You Might Also Like
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party