@hurlarious: Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate
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@SortaBad: tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
@Cheeseboy22: Just started a new diet where I order Wendy's salad and then eat all my kids' fries.
@IrishVin: Her: Can I see your phone? Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**