I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées