It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
What my back needs
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt