Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.