Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.