“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.