Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My favorite female superhero
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My first son he is wonderful
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location