Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
You had me at “define legal”.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone