@DavidKlein5: Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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@imdaintyaf: I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.
@SwirlySkittles: Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.