“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.