“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My dog learned how to text
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.