“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.