@MariyaAlexander: Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
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@fro_vo: [dollar store] ME: how much are your dollars CLERK: a dollar ME: okay I’ll take one dollar CLERK: that’ll be one dollar ME: thanks CLERK: have a nice day
@Chumpstring: olive garden host: welcome to ol- me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
@Midgetspar: I'll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, "I'm here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don't care."
@LlamaInaTux: Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole? Me: He may be blind, but he's not deaf