[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.