[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Time heals everything 🙂
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”