[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.