[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
mom had nothing to worry about
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions