[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
You better watch out
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”