*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You Might Also Like
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I gave up going to work for lent.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.