@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
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@freeDone01: My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
@Dani_Feld: Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.
@FattMernandez: Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?