wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
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wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see