*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can