Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.