Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.