*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Only Americans understand
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb