*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.