*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Left at a local drug store…
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks