*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay