*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car