Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing