What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.