Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Raisins are grape jerky.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Still a very good boi….
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.