@TheGrimKing: Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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@Douchekevin: Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
@Rachelnoise: My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid.
@IAmKatieOrr: I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn't become ponies by 2015. She was really dark.
@ArfMeasures: TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit