Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Every damn time
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”