T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Double negatives are never not confusing.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me